


Various Perspectives

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [17]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mostly Buck POV, Slice of Life, should definitely read all other fics first, some others too though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28302486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: What has the personal journey Eddie has gone through looked like to those around him? What else has been happening outside of his own trials and experiences, with the friends and family around him?A collection of (usually) short ficlets about the events in the Evolution of Buddie series, covering events both within and outside of the fics.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Diaz Family, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 163
Kudos: 279





	1. BtS 1: Post Someone Told me Not to Cry (Isabel POV)

**Author's Note:**

> Tada! 
> 
> I told some of you that I had a special something in the works, and here it is! If you've wondered what other characters have thought of events or what has been happening with them, you may find the answers within these chapters! This is the collection of what I have fondly been calling my "Behind the Scenes pieces" and are all not in Eddie's POV. They take place sometimes concurrently with other fics in the series, and often between. Most are Buck's POV, but we get some others as well along the way. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy these as much as you all have the series so far!

Isabel had Evan Buckley’s number as one of the people to call if she couldn’t reach Edmundo and she needed help with Christopher.

She never pointed out to Edmundo how telling that was.

She had never had to use it, of course, but it was a nice day and she had the time. And, perhaps, some ulterior motives.

So she called him.

“Hello?”

Smiling already, she said, “Buck, how are you today?”

“I – Mrs. Diaz?” he asked uncertainly.

Smile growing, Isabel said, “You can call me abuela. In fact, please do.”

There was quiet for a bit. “Right. Uh – abuela. I’m – okay? How are… you?”

“Oh,” she sighed. “I am fine, I suppose. A little lonely today. Are you busy?”

“Busy?”

“Yes.”

“No?”

Perfect. “Good,” she told him. “Come keep me company then. I’ll get some food started. You have my address?”

“I – I think so? Uh…”

“I will text it to you, just in case,” she decided. “I will see you soon then.” She hung up before Buck could decide to try to argue with her. She’d caught him by surprise, which she never managed with any of her grandkids or nieces and nephews anymore. They were wise to her tricks, but she didn’t need to get too creative yet to con Evan Buckley into spending an afternoon with her.

He arrived not much longer than she had expected he would take, shifting on his feet nervously on her porch. She bustled him in, sat him at her table, and had him with a full plate and cup of coffee before he even managed to figure out which way was up. Far too easy – she almost felt bad, especially with the way his eyes were a little wide.

“My grandson and his son are very fond of you,” she said.

“I – I’m fond of them too,” he said, his face going soft at the mention of them.

Isabel nodded, sipping her own coffee. She let Buck eat a few bites of food, before saying, “Yes, I could tell. I always guessed, from how they talked of you after the summer, but then I saw on TV that rescue.”

Buck had stilled slowly, when she brought up the awful event from the other week, and he watched her with an impressively blank face at the mention of the TV.

She stared at him over her coffee cup. “I don’t think Edmundo has seen it,” she said. “I imagine even if he did, he would not realize what he was seeing. But I am an old woman, I have seen a lot. I know what love is when I see it.”

Buck put his fork down.

She smiled, reaching over to pat his hand. “No, no. Don’t worry. I will not tell him. You are good for him, I’ve known that since that first week of work. You make him happy. Make him relax. It’s good for him to remember that life is not all serious, not all worry.”

“He makes me happy,” Buck told her, quietly, like a secret. She smiled at him some more.

“I can see. In all the pictures, I see it. So I thought, it is important for us to meet, us who love Edmundo even when he is being stubborn and blind. Between us and Pepa, we can maybe actually make sure he takes care of himself.”

That made him laugh, a short, sharp sound that was partly relief, partly amusement. She smiled to herself, giving Buck’s hand one more pat before picking up her own fork again.

“He told me, ‘oh I am fine Abuela, the doctors say so!’. As if I do not know he would pretend he was fine even if they didn’t.”

“They did clear him, but Cap made him take a couple days off anyway.” Buck paused. “I made sure to spend some time with him, too.” His words were just a bit careful, so Isabel was sure that there was more to it than that. But she respected Buck’s desire to also keep Edmundo’s secrets to himself. Besides, he had offered her the reassurance she wanted. Someone was checking up on her grandson, and he was letting them take care of him.

“Good.” She raised a brow. Buck had not started eating again. “Do you not like my food?”

He immediately took a large bite, eyes wide again. It made her want to laugh.

“Why don’t you teach Eddie how to cook?” Buck asked after swallowing.

She threw her head back and laughed, before giving a small shake of it. “Oh, how I have tried,” she moaned. “But that boy does not have the heart or mind for much skill in the kitchen.”

It made Buck laugh as well. He started telling her about a time he came over to find Edmundo almost burning something, and how he had taken over for him.

Oh yes. Buck was very good for Edmundo. Pleased, Isabel settled in to listen to Buck’s stories, already trying to decide on which ones to share with him herself. Best not to give up _all_ the best stories yet. She’d need to hold on to some for a later date.


	2. BtS 2: Just Bros Being Bros (Chim POV)

Chimney glanced between Buck, standing at his locker and going dark pink, to Eddie walking past the engine, back to Buck – definitely bright red now – to where Eddie had disappeared.

He focused on Buck. Buck was very studiously ignoring him, pulling on his jeans and digging out his shirt from his locker.

“So… are we gonna talk about that or…?”

Buck tugged the shirt into place. “Nope.” He still hadn’t looked at Chimney.

“Right.” He waited a moment. “So are you two…?”

“Not talking about it,” Buck reiterated, slamming his locker closed. He hefted his bag over his shoulder, heading for the door.

Chimney reached out, grabbing at Buck’s arm. Buck paused, glancing back at him reluctantly.

“Seriously,” he said quietly, searching Buck’s face. “Are you… if you need to talk, or have someone talk to Eddie….”

Buck gave a slight, wry smile. “Yeah, I hear you. But I don’t. It’s fine.”

Chim hummed, not convinced, but let go of Buck.


	3. BtS 3: Just Bros Being Bros (Pepa POV)

Pepa called Isabel the next morning after Eddie sent those pictures of the zoo.

“Did Eddie forget to tell us something important about his life?” she asked as soon as greetings were exchanged.

Isabel laughed quietly. “I don’t think so, no.” She sounded thoughtful as she said, “At least not that Edmundo is aware of.”

“Christopher talks about that Buck quite a bit. Someone might think he lives with them how often the two of them mention him.”

“It seems like it, doesn’t it?” Isabel sounded amused, fond. “You know how Edmundo is. He gets very focused on one thing, doesn’t always remember to step back and look around himself.” Isabel laughed. “But he’s a stubborn boy. Once he decides what he wants, not much will get in his way, except himself.”

“Is that what you think is happening?” Pepa tried to see it that way – of Eddie wanting this Buck in his life but not letting himself actually have it. She thought of the mess that was that Shannon showing back up in Eddie’s and Christopher’s lives. Eddie may have forgiven her for leaving them, hurting them, but Pepa refused. She would not forget what that woman had done, and how it had destroyed some part of her nephew.

She could see the scars left behind. Eddie had relied on her and Isabel for a while when arriving in LA to watch Christopher, but he hadn’t wanted to. It had been clear, the suspicion in his eyes. He trusted no one with his son as much as he did himself.

And yet…. After the tsunami, when Chris had been terrified and hurting, there had been a stretch of time where he hadn’t left Chris with her or Isabel – he’d left him with Buck. And he had been furious, about that legal nonsense after, even as he’d taken care to put it in nice and blameless phrases for Chris’ questions about where Buck was.

“Okay,” she agreed into the pointed silence on the other end of the line. “Maybe.”

Isabel laughed. “I think we should see them together in person.”

Like those pictures Eddie had sent them hadn’t been enough proof. Did he not see the way he looked at that man? There was more fondness in his eyes than Pepa had seen for anyone aside from Christopher before, except maybe early on in his relationship with Shannon.

Pepa sighed though. She knew her nephew. “Good luck with that.”

Isabel just made a confident noise, said, “I have my ways.”

Pepa knew better than to question it.


	4. BtS 4: Post Just Bros Being Bros (Buck POV)

Buck watched as subtly as he could when Eddie came upstairs, going to the table and grabbing one of the pastries there – a gift from Athena, apparently.

Eddie seemed fine. None of that fine tension around his eyes was apparent like two nights ago, when Buck had seen him last. His heart was pulsing faster than normal as he wondered. Would Eddie greet him with one of those cheek kisses? Would Eddie go back to how they’d been before them? Had Buck misread everything the other night?

He wasn’t sure, was the thing. He hadn’t been able to figure out why Eddie had even started kissing him like that. The first time, maybe it had been some old habit, Buck didn’t know. But he’d done it again. And again. And again.

So he’d asked. And Eddie had looked – uncomfortable, a little bit like he was being cornered or something. He claimed he didn’t know why, that they’d just started. He kept pointing out that Buck hadn’t stopped him, like he thought Buck was blaming him or something.

It’d… seemed, to Buck, like maybe Eddie really didn’t know why he’d been doing it.

Like maybe, just maybe, Eddie was….

It’d been a bit of his own impulsiveness, to kiss Eddie. He hadn’t liked seeing him look so – defeated, almost. He’d dropped it, because even if Eddie didn’t mean it like Buck wished he did, it was still nice. Buck liked affection, in all kinds of forms, and he wasn’t one to turn away affection just because it was only platonic.

But it had been impulsiveness, and maybe a bit of daring, to lean forward and kiss Eddie’s cheek like he’d been doing to Buck’s for a while.

Eddie had looked like Buck had just sucker punched him or something. A bit wide-eyed, cheeks a little rosy, lips barely parted.

Buck wondered if Eddie had even realized he’d been looking at Buck’s mouth when he pulled back.

Eddie had followed him to the door, not saying a word. He’d just been – staring at Buck, eyes a bit wide still.

It had made something dangerously like hope spark to life in Buck’s chest.

So maybe – maybe it was just platonic. But… there was a chance, Buck thought, that maybe it was more. Maybe it was more, and Eddie himself didn’t realize it yet.

Not everyone was like Buck after all. Buck had known relatively early that he was pretty equal opportunity about sex and romance. Despite what they’d tell anyone publicly, Buck had known his parents wouldn’t precisely approve, and so he’d kept that part of himself locked away safe for a while. Until he could move out and away from anyone that would tell the Buckleys what their son Evan was up to – and with who.

But he knew it wasn’t like that for everyone. So maybe….

It was just a chance. But it was a chance Buck was willing to take a risk on.

Eddie passed him by, hand brushing over Buck’s shoulders in greeting as he headed for the coffee machine.

And when Eddie walked by again, hot cup of coffee and creamer in hand, he leaned down and Buck stretched up a bit, so Eddie could press a brief, absent kiss to Buck’s cheek. He settled, grinning, while Eddie took his usual seat on Buck’s other side. They split the pastry and talked about Chris.

It was easy, nothing different from normal except for how Buck was trying not to jump too far ahead, to not let the hope all of this had sparked up inside of him rush him into anything that might backfire. Eddie’s friendship… Eddie and Chris, they were two of the most important people in Buck’s life. He’d do anything for them, whether or not he and Eddie were just friends or maybe could become something more. It wasn’t that it didn’t matter – it did, sort of – but that it was irrelevant.

Buck leaned an elbow on the table to watch Eddie as they ate the last of the pastry.

Yeah. Buck was willing to wait on what might be building between him and Eddie. He could be patient, wait to see if there was a real chance for more than friendship growing.

It was already so good – he could only imagine what it would be like if they built up something more and different between them.


	5. BtS 5: Sometime Between Just Bros Being Bros and I Was Winking (Bobby POV)

Eddie was getting more creative with his cursing, so Bobby took that as his cue to step in.

Buck was sitting on the back of an ambulance getting checked out by paramedics that weren’t Hen or Chim. His face was covered with ash and his shoulders were slumped as he let them tilt his head in specific angles and directions to apply the necessary stitches at his temple.

Eddie was still going. He’d been the one dragging Buck out behind him, who had been clutching an armful of two puppies.

“Diaz,” Bobby called as he approached. “Go help with the hose.”

Eddie’s jaw clenched visibly – he knew Bobby was dismissing him more than anything – before he nodded stiffly and walked off without a word.

“How is he?” Bobby asked after a moment, nodding his chin towards Buck.

“I’m fine,” Buck muttered. “You’re all panicking as if I’m still on blood thinners.”

Bobby didn’t like remember anything about that time.

“He should be fine, Captain Nash. The wound wasn’t too deep, thankfully, and he’s been perfectly coherent the entire time.”

Bobby nodded. The two paramedics walked off somewhere nearby, providing what privacy they could. Bobby sat next to Buck.

“You know he just yells because you scared him, right?”

Buck looked at him, blinking. He looked a bit startled, like he hadn’t expected the turn of conversation. “I know,” he said, so simply and honestly Bobby had to believe him. “Eddie’s usually all bark and no bite. I just scared him – he saw me stumble when the debris went by, and it took me a bit to get up. Not cause of this,” he said quickly, gesturing at his head. “But the puppies were squirming and I had to get a better grip again.”

Bobby just nodded, glancing to where Eddie was. His movements were sharp, angry.

“I can tell him to lay off, for you.”

Buck snorted, casting Eddie’s direction a rather painfully fond grin. “Nah. He’s just fussing. He gets grumpy when he remembers he’s got a lot more emotions in him than he wants to admit.”

Bobby watched Buck for a few moments. He had clued in pretty early on that Buck was at the least attracted to Eddie Diaz, if not infatuated with him. It hadn’t gone away over time, like Bobby had thought it might. It had only seemed to grow, gain depth and complexity.

He didn’t know if he’d ever forget the way Buck had screamed and cried and keened in Bobby’s arms, the night that tunnel had collapsed on Eddie. That had been the moment Bobby knew he’d not be able to ignore what was going on between the two.

Whatever it was, Eddie was either unaware of it, or better at hiding it than Buck was. Buck wore his heart on his sleeve though, always had.

Bobby clapped a hand to his shoulder before standing up. “Okay then. But if you need him to lay off, tell me.”

Buck rolled his eyes, even as he said “Sure cap.”

Later, back at the station, Bobby pretended not to see the two in the locker room, Eddie carefully drawing his thumb over the line of stitches on Buck’s face before leaning in and kissing his forehead.

If Bobby listened to Eddie, there was nothing to see there except two very close friends. And so long as Bobby could claim that being the case, he didn’t have to really do anything about it, professionally.


	6. BtS 6: I was Sinking (Buck POV)

Buck was pretty beat, and definitely did not want to get out of his bed, which was comfortable and warm. It’d be as easy as blinking to fall back asleep.

But he knew Eddie. Eddie would be up to have breakfast with Chris in the morning, even if he had someone there who could help.

Eddie had been the one that had an even rougher night than Buck. It was never easy losing someone on the job, and it was harder still when that was a kid. Eddie had looked hollowed out, jaw clenched and eyes empty, when that call was finally finished. There hadn’t been anything Eddie could have done, better or different, but he was sure Eddie didn’t feel that way, didn’t care.

So Buck had decided on his way to his own home that he’d do what little he could to help.

It meant getting up fucking early as hell though.

The things Buck did for the people he cared about….

Buck let himself into the house, making sure to stay extra quiet. Abuela still stuck her head out from the kitchen, eyes narrowed. She relaxed at the sight of him.

“Buck,” she said warmly. “Good morning.”

“Morning, Abuela.” It still made him feel a weird mix of giddy and bashful to call her that. But she insisted, and who was Buck to say no to Eddie’s grandma? As soon as he stepped in reach, she had his arms in her hands, pulling him down for a hug. She kissed his cheek, and Buck smiled a bit at the affectionate sounding fretting mutters she was tutting.

“Why are you here so early, hm?” she finally asked, letting him go and turning to Eddie’s coffee machine. She scowled at it.

“Eddie had a rough time yesterday,” Buck hedged, not sure Eddie would want him sharing details. “I figured I’d come help out this morning, let him sleep in a bit for once.” He reached past her and got the coffee machine started.

She gave him a fond, pleased smile. “Good.” She patted his cheek.

“I’m gonna – go make sure Eddie’s alarm doesn’t wake him up.”

Abuela waved him off, saying something about starting breakfast for them. Buck crept down the hall as quietly as he could; sometimes, Eddie seemed to sleep like the dead, and others, he was awake and alert at the slightest noise. Buck hadn’t quite figured out all the sounds that seemed to do it, though it wasn’t even a question that anything to do with Chris would. He’d have to be sure to get Chris and sneak him past Eddie’s room as soon as the kid woke up.

Very slowly, Buck turned the door handle and pushed the door open enough to slip through. He went over to Eddie’s bedside, typing in the password on his phone and shutting off his alarm for the day. He set it back down. For a moment, Buck just looked at him. Eddie was tangled up in the blankets of his bed, face mashed into a pillow. It made Buck smile.

He crept back out, turning the door handle entirely before shutting the door, and carefully turning it back into place. He waited a moment, but didn’t hear Eddie moving.

Success.

He ducked his head into Chris’ room, but he was still asleep, snoring softly. Just as twisted up in the blankets as Eddie.

Buck was grinning as he came back into the kitchen.

“Okay,” he said. “How can I help?”

They talked quietly while they worked for the next half hour or so. Buck talked about his time bartending in South America, a little, and Abuela told him he needed to learn more Spanish. Buck did not let his mind try to think of why. That way lay dragons, or whatever.

As soon as he heard Chris moving around, Buck wiped his hands on a towel and ducked out of the kitchen, letting Abuela take over the eggs. He pushed Chris’ door the rest of the way open, poking his head through first and grinning.

Chris was sitting up on his bed, rubbing at his face. He looked over and broke into a big grin.

“Buck!”

Quickly, Buck gestured for him to be quiet, and Chris’s grin grew as he repeated Buck’s name in a loud whisper, giggling.

God, he loved this kid.

Buck slipped into the room, picking Chris up when he held out his arms for him to. Buck settled him on one hip, bending slightly to get Chris’ crutches too. “Shh,” he reminded him, slipping out of the room and down the hall. Chris had both hands clamped over his mouth, barely muffling his giggles.

“We’re gonna let your dad sleep in today, okay?” Buck said quietly as they reached the kitchen.

“Okay Buck,” Chris agreed. He smiled at Abuela, too, saying, “Buenos dias, bisabuela.”

“Buenos dias, Christopher.” She stepped over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The next couple hours were nice. The three of them ate, Abuela making a plate for Eddie and putting it in the oven for later. Buck tried to help with the dishes, and was all but bullied out of the way by Abuela, told to go keep Chris company. So Buck went and sat with him on the couch. He put on a cartoon from Disney, knowing Chris would like it.

He didn’t notice Eddie was up until he was standing in the living room and watching them. He looked so fond, smiling as he watched them.

Buck had a big Diaz-boys shaped weakness. He wasn’t at all upset about it.

Eddie knew about the Chris aspect of it, obviously, using his kid to coerce Buck into coming along to Pepa’s birthday party. Buck wasn’t sure how much coercing he’d really needed though, not with Eddie looking at him with that well-disguised hopeful look. Buck sent Maddie a text asking to reschedule their movie plans. She just sent a laughing emoji at him when he said he was spending the day with Eddie and Chris.

Yeah, yeah. No one was surprised when he changed plans like this. Very funny. Haha.

Whatever.

Buck was glad he went though. It was nice to meet more of Eddie’s family. He felt flushed and warmed from the inside out to find that he’d been talked about enough that Marisol and her husband Vic knew about him in more than passing. He was introduced to all the kids, Chris pulling Buck along and always saying, “This is my Buck!” as an introduction.

Buck’s cheeks practically hurt from how much he was grinning.

He kept close to Eddie, for the most part. He’d just brought Eddie a piece of cake, which Eddie took without ever looking away from where Chris was playing an outdoor game of tag with the kids. One had Chris held on her back and was racing after the others. Chris’ head was thrown back as he laughed wildly.

It was cute as shit.

Buck would have stayed by the fence with Eddie, watching, but Vic called him over.

He liked Eddie’s family. Everyone he’d talked with had been welcoming, and nice, and most of them had seemed to know of him from someone else – Abuela, Chris, Eddie. Buck had a feeling some of them thought he and Eddie were a couple, but no one said it outright and Buck wasn’t sure if it wouldn’t be worse to go out of his way to correct them.

He was pretty sure Vic at least thought they were, with the way he was telling Buck a bunch of stories about Eddie. Some were embarrassing, some just entertaining. He was talking about the bachelor party when he and Marisol had gotten married, shortly after Eddie got back from his second tour apparently.

Eddie hadn’t been drinking like most of the rest of them, but Vic had a video of Eddie trying to ride a mechanical bull, getting thrown off, and insisting on going again. He had that stubborn look on his face, that almost sharp grin that said he was riding a bit of adrenaline. It made Buck grin to watch – and laugh when Eddie made a big deal about the following success.

He glanced over, seeing Eddie talking to someone else. Buck didn’t think he’d been introduced but honestly, he wasn’t sure.

He tried to focus on Vic as he kept telling the story, but from the corner of his eye he saw Eddie shift. Buck looked back over, cutting off mid-sentence. He frowned at the sight of Eddie, pushing up from the fence and shifting his weight on his feet. Buck turned more fully towards them, watching the other guy hold up his hands. “Dude, no. Just didn’t realize you were like that.”

Aw, shit. Vic stepped up from behind him and swore softly under his breath as Buck started over to the other two.

Eddie’s back was to Buck, but he could read the barely leashed anger when Eddie said, “Like. What.”

Buck was a few yards away still when he heard the other guy say, tone vicious and mean, “Didn’t know you were a fucking fa-“

Abuela’s voice cut through everyone’s conversations, halted everyone in the middle of whatever they were doing. From the corner of his eye, Buck could see all the kids freezing immediately, looking over with wide, curious eyes.

“Ooooh,” he could hear one say. “Uncle Manny’s in trouble.”

Buck had no idea what Abuela was saying, but it was fast, sharp, and if the look on her face was anything to go by, furious. A lot of people were watching, a few adults heading over to distract the kids.

Eddie was frozen, face pale, eyes darting around.

Fuck.

Buck pushed carefully past a few people, grabbing Eddie by the elbow. Eddie jumped, dropping the plate of cake in his hands. Buck ignored it, keeping his expression calm and focused on Eddie.

He got him inside, though Eddie froze almost at the door and started looking back a bit wildly. Buck got him into the kitchen though, sitting down and away from everything outside. He got Eddie a water, kept a hand hovering nearby because it looked like Eddie might drop it. As soon as Eddie put it down, Buck grabbed those shaking hands with his own, squeezing down. Eddie was looking at their hands, breathing still a little too fast and shallow.

Eddie leaned forward, pressing his face against Buck’s shoulder, like he was trying to hide from everything. Buck wanted to grab him and hold him even closer, but he didn’t know if that’d make Eddie feel trapped or everything worse – what if someone came in and saw and it freaked Eddie out more? So he just kept his hands on Eddie’s, kept squeezing every once in a while and murmuring whatever nonsense came into his head.

It seemed to help, at least. Thankfully. His breathing smoothed back out, and his hands didn’t feel like they were shaking.

Eddie started muttering, quiet. Buck caught one word, frowning, and shifted his head just a bit, so he felt Eddie’s soft hair against his cheek. “You better not be calling yourself stupid for this.”

Of course, Eddie had some reason for why it was his fault – Buck was sure Eddie would try to find a way to make everything his fault, if left to his own devices. It made Buck so – so angry sometimes, for Eddie, because it was like Eddie was certain he wasn’t allowed to make a mistake. Everyone else got to be forgiven, but Eddie seemed to think he didn’t, or that he needed to suffer or be punished or – something.

He argued, just a bit, but when Eddie started to sound more distressed than upset, said with a note of desperation, “I don’t know why-“

Well. Buck just wished he could fix things. Make things easier. Eddie’d already been through so much, it wasn’t fair that he was struggling now. But it wasn’t something Buck thought he could, actually, help with, except to just… be there for Eddie however Eddie wanted him.

He turned his head, resisting the urge to press a kiss to Eddie’s jaw. This wasn’t the time for whatever game or tease they played with those kisses.

Buck offered what explanation he could, what faint comfort that it could be. He knew all too well what it was like. There was a difference between knowing something in your head, and hearing it out loud. It was different, and hit you in the heart where you hadn’t been able to help yourself, hiding some secret hope that maybe you’d be wrong.

Even when you knew better.

Buck closed his eyes, just for a second, to breathe through that old hurt that probably never would quite heal. He wished it would. He wished he could harden himself against it, be more angry than hurt. But he’d never been good at that.

Eddie asked, voice quiet and exhausted, if they could go home.

God, the words made Buck ache. He wanted them to be more than they were – maybe than they ever would be, or maybe just for now. But in that moment, Buck ached, wishing. Then he pulled himself together. Eddie needed him, right then. Eddie needed someone to treat him with all the gentle care he would never ask for, for himself.

So Buck got him heading for the truck, and he went outside. The whole yard had an air of tension still lingering, but everyone was quietly talking and pretending it hadn’t happened. Abuela must have been watching the door, because she was immediately making her way over to him when he stepped out.

“Is Edmundo-“

“We’re gonna head home,” he said quietly. “I’m just gonna grab Chris, say some goodbyes for him.”

“You’ll keep an eye on him?”

Buck smiled, leaning down to kiss Abuela’s cheek. “I always keep an eye on him.”

She grabbed his face in her hands when he started to pull back. “I know you do. You are so good for him, Buck. For both of them.”

He smiled, feeling a bit shy almost, and reached up to gently tug her hands from his face. “Thank you.”

She nodded. “I’ll let Pepa know. You just get Chris.”

Chris was still with the other kids, who were playing with what looked like a small drone type of toy. Marisol and Vic were both there, standing next to each other and murmuring.

“Buck,” Vic said, spotting him first. He stepped away, clapping a hand to Buck’s back and leaning close. “You good?”

“I’m fine.” Buck waved it off. “But we’re gonna head home.”

Vic nodded, eyes darting to the house and back. “We want you to know – we don’t feel the way that Manny-“

“I know,” Buck interrupted, reassuring and sincere. He could tell they didn’t think or feel that way just for how they’d welcomed him, thinking that he was Eddie’s partner in more than just their work-life. How they’d treated him like family without question. He reached up to squeeze Vic’s shoulder, and then stepped away. He bent down to lift Chris up from behind, making Chris shout with surprised laughter.

“Buck,” he said, like he was trying to scold him, but he sounded too cheerful for it.

“Hey buddy.” Buck smiled, kissing Chris on the temple. “We’re gonna head home now, okay?”

Chris frowned, craning around a bit, leaving Buck to quickly scramble for a better hold. “Where’s Daddy?”

“He went out to the car already. He’s not feeling very good.”

“He dropped his cake.”

“We’ll bring him some more for when he feels better.”

Buck shot Marisol a smile as he turned to go, but she followed him, getting a plate and putting a few cake slices on it herself.

“Thanks,” he said, heading inside.

She followed. “It’s no trouble.” She glanced at Chris, lips pressing for a moment, before looking at Buck with worry. “I know Vic told you we don’t….” She paused, then lifted her chin. “What Manny was saying was awful. I’ve told him he’s not welcome in my home until he gets his head out of his you know where.”

Buck barked a laugh. Oh, he liked Marisol. She didn’t look a lot like Eddie, really, except for how similar the eyes were, maybe. But she had that same stubbornness and sense of right or wrong, clearly, that Eddie did.

“I’ll be sure to let Eddie know.”

“Good,” she said, voice a bit lighter. Relieved, maybe. She opened the door so he could step through. “Bye Chris honey. I hope to see you again soon!” She gave Buck a look. “And you too, Buck.”

He grinned at her. “Oh, these Diaz boys drag me everywhere, I’m sure I’ll be back.”

“Good,” she said again with a light laugh. She looked over to the truck and waved, while Buck headed down the porch steps.

Eddie was in the passenger seat, slumped and defensive looking. Chris leaned into Buck as they got closer, suddenly quiet and almost solemn. Buck got him into his seat, giving him a reassuring smile before shutting the door and heading around for the driver’s seat.

He’d take care of Eddie, as much as he was allowed to. It wasn’t like Eddie took good care of himself, sometimes. He was obviously dealing with some stuff, and whatever else was going on, finding out your cousin or whoever was a giant dickhead was never awesome. A panic attack was never awesome. Having all that going on at once? Following a bad call the previous night?

Yeah. Buck was going to take care of Eddie as much as he could.


	7. BtS 7: Post I was Sinking (Isabel POV)

“Edmundo, get over here,” Isabel called out as he tried to slip away.

Eddie sighed, turning from the porch steps and coming back to the door. “I have to get to work,” he tried, but she waved a dismissive hand at him.

“You have time.” She stepped out onto the porch, pulling the door mostly shut behind her. She looked him over, eyes narrowed, before reaching out to cup his cheek. “Ah, Edmundo,” she sighed. “I had to talk Pepa out of checking on you, you know.”

“I’m fine,” he groaned. “No one needs to come check on me.”

Isabel hummed, smiling, but she didn’t make any effort to sound like she believed him. “You know, you don’t show up to Sunday dinners, and everyone thinks your Buck is fair game.”

“What?”

“He handled it well, don’t worry,” she reassured him.

“That just makes me worry,” he grumbled. “Look, I’m sorry we missed dinner the other night, but we just –“

“No, no. You needed the quiet,” Isabel said knowingly. Edmundo wasn’t the most social of people, and while he wasn’t a recluse or shy in any way, he appreciated his space very much. She knew that about him, and it hadn’t really surprised any of them that he hadn’t come by on Sunday, after the mess at Pepa’s party. “But don’t stay away for the sake of fear,” she added. “I made my stance quite clear on the matter. No one will come here and start trouble with you.”

“Abuela…” He trailed off, swallowing thickly.

“Eddito,” she said, smiling fondly. “You are a good man, and a good father. But you have never been kind to yourself.”

“Abuela, I-“

“Since you have moved here, though. Started at the fire station. Met your Buck.” She gave him a knowing look. She wasn’t sure how much he was going to admit to yet, but she planned to make it clear she was no one’s fool. “You have been happier. Not always, I know, but more often.” She grabbed his face in her hands again, rubbing her thumbs lightly back and forth. “Let yourself be happy, Edmundo.”

“It’s not that easy….”

“Very little truly is. But you can do it. I have faith.” She stepped back, shooing him with a hand. “Go, before you are late.”


	8. BtS 8: Ready to Suffer, Ready to Hope (Buck POV)

“You deserve better than that, Buck. Believe me.”

Buck’s breath stilled in his throat, for a moment, before rushing out unsteadily. Eddie was close. He was practically cradling Buck’s face in his hands, so gently and carefully like Buck was – fragile. Precious.

It hurt, but not precisely in a bad way.

Eddie’s eyes dropped to Buck’s lips, and just – stayed there. It wasn’t the first time Buck had caught Eddie glancing at his mouth, but it was the first time he didn’t look away quickly, or like he expected to get caught or felt guilty or – whatever. He was staring, eyes a bit dark and thumbs still where they’d been stroking over Buck’s cheeks.

Holy shit.

“Eddie….”

Eddie looked up at him, slowly, licking his own lips. But then he leaned away a little, and it was like Buck could suddenly take in a full breath. Wow. Buck knew Eddie was… but that was intense. That kind of focus from Eddie, only on Buck, was… fuck.

“When’d you last eat?” Eddie asked.

Good question. Buck hadn’t been able to really eat that morning, nervous about meeting with Abby. And after they met, he hadn’t felt at all like eating either. She’d left, and he’d stayed there until it started to get dark.

Eddie let go of his face, but he didn’t pull away. His hand was hot against Buck’s shoulder, right up near his neck.

“Eat that. Please.”

Eddie – there was a lot that Buck thought he could see there. Worry, definitely, and something hot and intense lurking deeper down. Eddie had put more distance between them but he wasn’t… retreating. Buck nodded, grabbing the piece of pizza and taking a bite.

Eddie did move away, then, over to the sink. But then he was back, leaning against the table right there not a foot away from Buck and handing over a damp, cool cloth. Buck probably looked like a mess, fuck. He pressed it to his eyes, and the coolness felt nice. Once they felt less puffy, he wiped his face clean and then Eddie was taking it back. He threw it across the room at the sink instead of leave.

Buck stared at the table. He could feel it. Eddie was just – watching him, that steady focus that was doing things to Buck’s poor heart. He couldn’t read much off of Eddie anymore, not like earlier when it felt like he’d been given a chance to peek past those walls and see – so much.

It wasn’t like Buck hadn’t been suspecting, obviously, the past couple months. Wondering. _Hoping_. He didn’t push, but Eddie had started looking at Buck with this considering, almost curious look, staring in a way that felt like being checked out, darting looks at Buck’s mouth sometimes, and….

Buck was so gone on Eddie it was ridiculous. Pining, Maddie would probably call it. She never did call him out on it, not really, but he’d caught her shooting looks whenever Eddie came up in conversation, whenever Buck the amount of time he spent with Eddie and Chris became clear in their conversations. The look he’d gotten when Chim was teasing him about the zoo trip in front of her….

Eddie was his best friend. One of the most important people in Buck’s life, and he didn’t want to imagine not having Eddie around, being close to him and Chris. Eddie was so good, and good looking – he was a wonderful father, and a badass firefighter, and a good friend.

And Buck wanted whatever Eddie was willing to give him.

He shot a quick look up, and Eddie was narrowing his eyes at him.

Buck looked down again.

It had hurt, seeing Abby. Remembering how it had been, how it had felt to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved. (But had it been love, for her? He wasn’t sure now, and it was like everything about the relationship was tainted, in question. Had he been just another project, another person she felt obligated to? That she’d thought she had to help? He thought they’d cared about each other, that he was helping her as much as she helped him, but….)

The point was – it had hurt. And realizing all of that, and that she had left him probably aware she may never come back, if not actually knowing it already then…. Buck wasn’t in love with her anymore, but it all still hurt. Everyone left. Everyone found something better than him.

Buck just – didn’t want to feel so alone anymore. He’d been fine, for a while, and then he met Red, and now Abby was married and Hen was maybe going to leave them, and….

“I know – I don’t really have a right to ask, but-“

“Why wouldn’t you have the right to ask me something?”

Buck paused, tilting his head just enough to catch a glimpse of Eddie. Eddie’s arms were crossed, his chin raised a bit. But his eyes were practically soft. After Buck had been a jerk for a majority of the week, only to show up on Eddie’s doorstep late at night because he was feeling like shit. Eddie had every right to be pissed, or at least annoyed, with Buck.

But he had fed him pizza, and said all those things, and now he was looking at Buck like the mere idea of giving Buck anything like a brush off was ridiculous.

He looked at Buck like he mattered.

Buck didn’t deserve it, not after the way he’d been acting lately, but hell if he was going to argue that point. He wouldn’t win – Eddie had that stubborn look going.

“I really don’t want to go back to my place,” he admitted. It was hard to keep eye contact with Eddie as he added, “I – I don’t want to feel as alone as I have been.”

“Bed’s big enough for two, if you want. Or the couch is always yours.”

Jesus, Eddie was just – tonight, of all nights? Buck breathed in, and let it out as a laugh. “If you mean it… can I just – with you?” Because now that Eddie had suggested it, Buck could admit that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted someone to just hold him, all night. Wanted to feel someone else’ breath against his skin, the warmth and heat of a body around and against his own.

“Yeah. Anytime.”

Eddie couldn’t possibly mean that in the way Buck wanted him to. Not yet.

They stared at each other. Eddie looked – a bit uncomfortable, but he wasn’t looking away, and that softness and worry and maybe something like want was there. He was watching Buck back like he was on edge.

Buck felt his chest twist and his heart race and he couldn’t stop the smile on his face if someone paid him to. “Anytime, huh? I’ll keep that in mind.”

Eddie was looking almost a bit panicked, or overwhelmed at least, so Buck focused back on his pizza, giving Eddie some kind of privacy while in the same room. But he didn’t want Eddie thinking he’d done something wrong, or that Buck didn’t know what was building.

So he reached out, grabbing Eddie’s hand in his own.

Eddie squeezed back.

Smiling, Buck quietly at the rest of the pizza. He got up, and Eddie grabbed their half-empty beers while Buck tossed his plate away.

Eddie led the way to his bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind Buck. Eddie was already in sweats and a t-shirt, ready for bed. Buck just kicked off his jeans. It was almost awkward, as they got in Eddie’s bed; Buck felt like he was sparking with energy, like if they touched it’d be a static shock.

Eddie turned on his side to face him. Buck watched him back in the dark, soaking in the way Eddie looked – in the bed; in the dark; at Buck.

Fuck, he wished he could lean over and kiss Eddie, pull Eddie on top of him, touch without any restraint. Buck wanted, so badly, but… he didn’t want to risk losing Eddie. He wanted more than just sex, and Eddie was damn skittish enough as it was. Buck didn’t want to push him away, even if everything earlier made him believe he really wouldn’t be turned away.

He didn’t want Eddie to regret it.

He startled a bit when Eddie’s hand touched his face, thumb stroking his cheek and then brushing hair aside.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re frowning,” Eddie murmured. “Think of something else. Something better.”

Buck swallowed thickly.

“What do you need, Buck?” Eddie asked, voice still so fucking soft and quiet. “I’m not good at this,” he said, and sounded – wrong. Buck hated when Eddie sounded like that, kind of pained, kind of like he was trying to joke about something, kind of resigned. “So you’re gonna have to tell me what to do to help.”

His breath was loud and a bit unsteady. He knew Eddie could hear it.

“Hold me?” he asked. It came out quiet and shaking and fragile and Buck wanted to take it back almost immediately, except Eddie was moving. Eddie was pressing closer, arms curling around Buck. One hand was in his hair, scratching lightly, nudging Buck’s face towards his shoulder. Buck took the hint, if it was one, and pressed close so his eyes were covered by Eddie’s neck. He felt stubble scraping lightly at his skin, and he didn’t care.

Eddie’s other hand was rubbing up and down his back.

“I’ve got you, alright?” Eddie said, sounding – fuck, he sounded almost wrecked, and Buck thought of pulling back to check on him because – because he hated when Eddie was hurting.

Eddie just tightened his grip on Buck.

“You’re not alone, okay, I promise Buck. Chris and I, we’re right here, we’re always gonna be right here with you.”

Buck was not going to cry. Not anymore. He’d cried enough lately.

But he grabbed onto Eddie’s shirt tight enough to probably distort the fabric.

Fuck, but he wanted to press a kiss to Eddie’s skin.

He wanted to lay it all out on the line for Eddie. He wanted….

“Shh,” Eddie breathed. His arms were tight and reassuring. “I’m here. You’re not alone. It’s gonna be okay, Buck, I’ve got you. You’re always gonna have me.”

Buck decided that, for the night at least, he’d let himself be selfish and take what Eddie was offering.


	9. BtS 9: Post Ready to Suffer, Ready to Hope (Chris POV)

“Hey Buck?” Chris asked, thumping his heels against the cupboards. He was holding tight to the bowl in his lap, watching Buck scoop some batter out and put it into cupcake holders. They were gonna take them to Chris’ school’s bake sale. Buck had told Daddy he could not come into the kitchen cause just him being there would ‘probably burn them’.

Dad had said he was going to go for a run, if Bucky was going to be so mean to him. But Dad had been smiling, the big real one, so Chris knew they’d just been being silly.

“What’s up?”

“Do you get scared when working?”

Buck glanced at him, very serious. Chris liked that; Buck never treated him like he couldn’t understand stuff just cause he was a kid, and he always took Chris’ questions seriously. They talked about important stuff a lot, and Buck always gave his answers a lot of thought.

So Chris knew to wait a bit, while Buck gave this one some thought.

“Yeah. I’m always a little scared, and sometimes I’m very scared.”

“Why do you be a firefighter, when it makes you scared?” He’d been wondering it lately. Dad didn’t like to talk about the scary parts of his job a lot. But Chris knew he got scared, because sometimes he’d hear his dad shouting or crying at night from nightmares. His dad always got a bit more sad when he knew it woke Chris up, so Chris pretended he didn’t. But in the morning, he would make sure to crawl in bed and cuddle his dad even more than usual, so he would feel better.

Buck gave him a smile, and a little laugh. “Hitting me with the hard ones today, huh?” He tilted his head, eyes narrowing as he thought really hard. “Even though it makes me scared, and sometimes is super scary, I want to help people more. Because they’re usually even more scared than I am, and it makes me feel better if I can make them feel safer.”

“Like with me. During the tsunami,” Chris said, a little quieter. Buck gave him a quick glance, and set aside the cupcake stuff. He took the bowl and put it with that, so he could stand closer to Chris.

“Yeah, buddy. Making you feel safe was very important to me.”

Chris nodded. “Do you… can you help Dad feel safe too?”

Buck was watching him, eyes still a little narrow. Chris moved his feet again, just a bit.

“I feel safer when your dad’s with me. I like to think he feels safer when I’m there, too.”

“Dad makes me feel safe,” Chris offered. “Especially when I have nightmares. But he doesn’t like it when I try to help when he has nightmares.” He glanced up at Buck. Buck’s face was doing a funny look, kind of like he was hurting and trying to smile anyway. Chris touched the corner of his mouth, frowning a bit.

Buck grabbed his hand, kissing the middle of it and folding Chris’ fingers over it. It tickled a bit, making Chris giggle.

“Your dad loves you so much, you know that right?”

Chris nodded. Duh.

“Okay. So it’s not that he doesn’t like you wanting to help him. But I think… I think your daddy would feel better if you helped him in a different way.”

“Like what?”

Buck grinned. He tickled Chris’ sides, which made him laugh and try to wiggle away, but Buck’s fingers were hard to hide from. He grabbed Chris and picked him up, to hold him against his side. Chris was too big to be held, but he liked getting to hug Buck a lot, so he just put his head down and held on.

“Like giving him kisses. And letting him hold you. And,” Buck cast him a sly look, “telling him that he should make me come make breakfast.”

“Yes! Pancakes make everything better.”

“Exactly,” Buck agreed. “So if you hear your dad having a nightmare, you make him text me in the morning, okay?”

“Okay,” Chris agreed, leaning over to look at the cupcakes. “I bet cupcakes work even better than pancakes though.”

Buck laughed loudly. Chris looked at him, grinning, cause when Buck laughed like that his eyes got all squinty with it. Usually it made Dad smile, too, if he heard it. But Dad was still running.

“I don’t think your dad let me make cupcakes for breakfast. Not even if it was a birthday.”

Chris would have to remember to try on his birthday, though. Or maybe on Christmas. He bet he could get his dad and Buck to let him have cupcakes for breakfast then, even though cinnamon rolls were tradition. He’d need to remember to bring it up with Santa.

“We should probably eat some to make sure they’re good for the bake sale first, Buck,” he told him, being very serious because that usually made Buck smile.

“Not before dinner you don’t,” Dad said, appearing like a ninja.

Chris grinned at him over Buck’s shoulder, saying, “Aw, Dad,” and hoping it he acted extra cute his dad would let him anyway. All he got was that look his dad gave him, the smile and raised brow, that said his dad was not going to be tricked this time. Oh well. It had been worth a try.

“It’s not like one cupcake would spoil his dinner. It’s only two, after all.”

“They’re not even finished. By the time you two finish it’ll be three, and dinner’s at five.”

Buck snorted, muttering something under his breath. Chris didn’t quite catch it, but Dad’s eyes narrowed. Dad always knew when you were saying stuff like that.

“Okay, fine,” Buck said with a big huge sigh, tilting his head back. Chris giggled, especially when Buck winked at him. His Buck was so funny, and he almost always could make Dad smile, too.

“Hmm,” Dad said, like he didn’t believe Buck, but he was definitely smiling, his eyes getting a bit squinty with it too. Chris grinned between them. Days when Buck was over were the best, cause everyone was happy. Dad would smile more, and Buck wouldn’t look so sad, and Chris had his two favorite people with him.

“If I can’t have a cupcake, can I have a puppy?” Chris asked, as innocent as he could.

His dad gave him the very serious ‘no’ look; Buck just threw his head back laughing again. Chris saw his dad try not to smile, because he was still being serious, but like always he started to smile when Buck laughed.

“Kid, you start with the big thing and then for the smaller one, that’s how it works,” Buck told him. “Can you have a puppy, and then when your dad says no, you ask to have a cupcake. Makes it seem more reasonable.”

“Oh.” Chris considered that. “Okay.”

“Now you’ve done it,” Dad groaned, but he was laughing too. Buck put Chris down at the table, where the first cupcakes were cooling, and put the next ones in the oven. He winked at Chris again, and Chris hid his laugh in his hands.

Dad came to sit with him, and he was sweaty and kinda smelly, but Chris didn’t mind too much.

Buck started to say there were still cupcakes being made and they didn’t want them burning. Dad grabbed the big glove for getting stuff out of the oven and threw it at him. Chris stuck his finger in the frosting bowl while they weren’t looking.

Days with Buck at home were the best.


	10. BtS 10: Post Hard to Learn to Love (Buck POV)

“So, what’s up?” Buck asked, twisting on the couch to face Maddie more.

“What?” she asked, startled. She blinked a bit, focusing on Buck instead of pretending to watch the movie. Buck knew she hadn’t actually been watching it – she’d missed the part where she usually couldn’t help herself from quoting the entire scene with her own attempts at the voices and everything.

Plus, something had to be up. Maddie had picked the go to feel good movie she’d played when they were both feeling particularly let down and sad, back when they were kids.

“What’s up?” Buck repeated, reminding himself that it didn’t have to be anything terrifying or awful.

Maddie opened her mouth, shut it, and then got a determined look. She twisted around, crossing her legs on the couch cushions and facing him fully. Buck shifted his leg up a bit more and tried to prepare for – whatever was going on.

She’d promised not to leave, so he needed to stop worrying that she was about to announce she was moving somewhere else, away from LA. She’d promised not to leave him again.

Besides, she wouldn’t leave Chim. They loved each other so much, Buck could see it, anyone who looked at them could see it.

“What I’m about to tell you is secret,” she said, leaning forward, voice almost hushed. “I mean it Buck. Buckley Sibling Secret.” She held out both pinkies, hands crossed at the wrist. Buck imitated it immediately, linking their pinkies together.

Whatever it was, she didn’t want him telling anyone. Not his team, not Chimney, not Eddie. It was just between them.

“What’s going on, Maddie?”

He was worried – this was so serious, if she was enacting their childhood secret swear – but then she broke out into a wide grin, almost giddy, lit up.

“I’m pregnant.”

Buck – had not expected that. He knew he was staring in shock, mouth open and everything. He blinked rapidly, hearing it echo in his mind – I’m pregnant I’m pregnant – before it actually sank in.

“Really?” he asked, cheeks almost hurting with how he was grinning. “You’re gonna have a baby?”

She nodded, her grin just as wide as his. He unlinked their pinkies, only to grab her and lean in to hug her tight. Her arms wrapped around him and squeezed, her laugh muffled against his shoulder.

“Oh my god, Mads, you’re going to be a mom! You and Chim are having a baby – I’m gonna be an uncle!” He pulled back, and he was pretty sure he’d not be able to stop smiling anytime soon. “You’re gonna have the cutest baby, oh my god.”

She laughed, swiping at her cheeks. “It – we didn’t plan this or anything but… we’re really happy. And excited. I couldn’t wait any longer to tell you.” She sniffed, still smiling. But after a moment it shifted to a more serious expression. “Howie and I don’t want to tell everyone yet. We were thinking soon, but… for now, we wanted to keep it to just us. Only, we’re so excited we felt like we had to tell someone. So we agreed one person each that we trusted to keep it quiet.”

Buck – Buck almost wanted to cry himself from the way those words swelled up in his chest, too big and too much and painful, but in a good way. “Maddie,” he choked out.

She grabbed his hands, squeezing them tight. Her smile was knowing, kind. She always knew what was going on with him, even when he’d not told her, since he could remember. She’d always been there, reassuring him, loving him, listening when he needed to talk and pushing him to share when he got lost about it in his own head.

It was part of why it had hurt so much, each time she had left. He’d had no one else to really talk to, that knew him like she did.

“Buck,” she said. “Evan. I trust you more than I could ever say.” Her chuckle was watery. “You’re one of the most important people in the world to me, and I love you so much – of course I trust you. You know I do.” She reached up, swiping her palm over his cheek, clearing away the tears there. “I knew if I asked you to keep this a secret for me, for now, you would. And you’re going to be such an amazing uncle….”

“You’re going to be an amazing mom,” he said immediately. He could see the way her brows pinched, a bit, the edges of her mouth turning down a little, and as much as his sister knew him, he knew when she was worrying.

He adjusted more on the couch, leaning in and grabbing her hands back up in his. “Maddie. You basically raised me – you were more of a mom than Mom was. And you didn’t have to do that. You could have – you could have left me to fend for myself, like you had to….”

“I did,” she said, sad and regretful. “I did though.”

He shook his head. Part of him wished he’d never brought it up, because he hated seeing her taking it so to heart. But also, it’d felt so good to get out there, and to get that promise back, even if sometimes it was harder to believe than others.

“Maddie, that – you weren’t my _actual_ parent. You didn’t – you couldn’t stay with me forever. And you’re here now, the best sister anyone could ever want.” He sniffed, smiling. “And you’re going to have a _baby_. You’re going to be so awesome at it, you’re gonna love them so much and they’re never going to doubt that, or feel unwanted, or invisible or unimportant or-“ His voice broke. He swallowed, but it only made the ache in his throat worse.

Both of them were sniffling, were crying, clutching hands.

“I know you’re going to be great at this. And you’ve got Chimney with you, and he’s going to love you both and not leave you alone. And I’m going to help – the whole team will help, you know it. And if you don’t know what to do, Athena or Hen or Karen or Bobby – they’ll all want to help, they won’t mind if you ask-“

She laughed, pulling one hand away to wipe at her face. “Yeah, I know. Pretty sure the only way Bobby and Athena will be more excited is when you have a kid.”

He felt his face flush. “Mads,” he mumbled, glancing down.

“Well. When you have a new kid,” she corrected, an attempt at her usual sly prodding, gently poking.

He couldn’t help but grin. Buck was more sure than he had been before. Whatever was between him and Eddie, Eddie was thinking about it. Eddie was looking at him, actually looking like he never really had before, like he was realizing he was looking.

Buck didn’t want to scare him off, and he was kind of afraid to ask and wreck whatever was there, and what they already had. But… maybe. Maybe soon.

He was already used to everyone joking he’d stealth-adopted Chris, or that if Eddie didn’t keep an eye on him during get togethers that Buck might just sneak off with Chris and take him home. Eddie always joked that Buck was welcome to give him a night off, or to come home and help with the ‘hard’ parts of being a dad, or something else.

Eddie had never told Buck to back off, when helping with Chris. Eddie trusted Buck with Chris. And while for a time there, Buck hadn’t been able to understand or believe that, he did now. It was hard not to, anymore.

“This is about you,” he said, leaning over to gently shove at her shoulder. “And how you’ve got all of us to help. Especially me.” Anything he could do for her, for the baby, he would.

“I know,” Maddie said, smiling sweet and loving.

Buck grinned back.

“Oh man, I can’t believe you’re gonna have a baby. When are you due? Have you seen a doctor yet?” He’d need to research pregnancies – he knew that generally there was more worry when a woman was older, but when did it really become a concern? Would it be with Maddie? She was in her mid-thirties after all. “Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy? Are you and Chim going to find a new place, together, or –“

“Buck!” Maddie laughed. “Slow down.” She twisted and got to her feet, heading towards the kitchen. “I’ve been to the doctor, I’ve got an ultrasound coming up,” she called back to him. “I’m about three months along. We don’t know the gender yet, and Howie and I haven’t decided if we’re going to find out, anyway. And we haven’t talked about living situations yet.” She glanced at him from the kitchen doorway. “Get in here. I’m going to make us some hot chocolates.”

Grinning widely, Buck got up to join her.

He felt like bouncing on his toes, felt buzzing with giddy excitement. Maddie and Chim were going to have a baby! He was going to be an uncle!

“So, are you two going to have a shotgun wedding?” he teased.

Maddie shot him a mock glare, eyes narrowed but bright with laughter, lips pressed as if he wouldn’t be able to see the smile still pulling at her lips there. “Tell you what,” she said, handing him the sugar container. “I’ll talk to you about Howie and I’s relationship like that, when you’re ready to talk to me about whatever you and Eddie have been doing since I got here.”

Buck felt his cheeks burn again, felt the smile on his face twitch – because he was sure Eddie had been looking back the other week – and glanced down.

“Okay. Fair enough.”

She hummed, and when he looked up she was smirking at him, amused and fond. “So. Off the table for now?”

“For now,” he agreed.

“Right.” She nodded, grabbing a pot from the lower cupboard and setting it on her stove. “Alright. Hot chocolate time, mister.”

Buck stepped up, grinning, falling into the familiar motions of making hot chocolate with his sister, late at night when no one else was there to see them.

He couldn’t help the warm, giddy happiness and love filling his chest, making him feel like he was going to explode with it all.

Neither of them stopped grinning all night.


	11. BtS 11: Bittersweet Triumph (Buck POV)

Buck woke up in the morning feeling like shit. He usually did after calls that bad – so many people hurt, some of them dead, all because one person had to make a stupid choice to drive drunk. The accident had been – it was going to be one of the ones that haunted his nightmares for a while, he knew it. The drunk driver had crossed lanes into traffic going the opposite direction. There’d been people in one of the cars that was hit who hadn’t been wearing seatbelts.

One had been a kid.

As soon as they’d gotten back to the station, Buck had showered and thrown himself into bed, exhausted and hurting. He’d been feeling an emotional ache all week. Something was going on with Eddie, and Buck didn’t know what it was, but he didn’t like it. Eddie’d been withdrawn, nervous. Irritable, but Buck knew none of them took it personally (and if someone started to, Buck talked them down).

Buck knew it wasn’t just him that could see the well-hidden fear under Eddie’s bluster and quietness. He knew Bobby was worried too.

Whatever it was, Eddie didn’t want help. Or maybe he thought he had it handled, though Buck thought it was pretty obvious Eddie did not.

He did what he could, but it never felt like enough. Buck watched Eddie on their shift on Friday, the slump to his shoulders, the bags under his eyes, the worried twist to his face. He wanted to ask, so badly, what was going on, how he could help, but Eddie had said he would tell Buck if he could and he hadn’t.

It was so hard to not just go over to Eddie’s and demand answers though.

“He still not talking to you about it?” Chim had asked when Eddie left Friday, hurrying out before anyone could talk to him. The day had been rough enough that no one was feeling particularly chatty or cheerful, and no one had wanted to make whatever was going on with Eddie worse by pushing.

Buck had shaken his head, still watching where Eddie had left.

“And you don’t have any ideas?” Chim had pressed, slow, almost cautious.

Buck had glanced at him, frowning a bit. “No. I really don’t. One minute, we were going to take Chris to the park on an off day, the next he said something had come up and…” He’d shrugged.

“Yeah.” Chim had sighed. “He’ll come around,” he’d offered, clapping a hand to Buck’s shoulder and squeezing, reassuring. Buck had nodded, though he hadn’t been sure how much he believed that.

It had been weird, not to be at the Diaz house on a Friday night. It’d felt worse than just not visiting for most of the week. Just a more obvious sign that something was wrong.

It had left Buck restless, and so when he’d been asked if he would mind covering the shift of Robinson, after Robinson was diagnosed with a concussion after his previous shift, Buck had taken it. At the least, it’d be a distraction.

And it had been – but not a good one.

Buck went to eat some food before the shift change came in. He wasn’t the only one up there, subdued. Kessel, usually full of smiles and a steady presence, looked small and weighed down. Buck wished he had a way to help cheer her up, but he himself wasn’t sure he had the energy to.

They were all happy to go home.

Buck didn’t check his phone until he got home. He’d been going to text Maddie, let her know he was back home safe and really tired – to bow out of their plans for lunch – when he noticed a missed call.

From Eddie.

Buck’s heart leapt into his throat and cool fear washed over him.

Eddie hadn’t left a message. It’d been the previous night, right around when they’d been heading to that awful accident call, and Buck had missed it. The entire time he hadn’t noticed, and what if – what if it had been Eddie needing his help.

Buck immediately called Eddie back.

It just went to voicemail. He pulled his phone from his ear, texting – so fast and shaky that he had to take a deep breath and calm himself, go back and start the message over.

He waited on the edge of his seat for almost twenty minutes. No answer.

Buck tried calling one more time. When it just went to voicemail again, Buck waited for the message to play through and the tone to sound.

“Hey, I am so sorry I missed your call man. I was covering a shift and – nevermind. Just. What do you need? Give me a call back okay? Please, I – I’m worried,” he admitted, wincing when his voice broke a bit. “I’m worried about you, Eddie,” he repeated – confessed – quietly. “Let me know if – if you and Chris are okay.”

He bit his lip as he hung up. It didn’t feel like enough….

He forgot about letting Maddie know to cancel, until she knocked on his door.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, and something must have given it away. She immediately shifted from sisterly feigned annoyance to concern, hands coming up to curl around his arms and rub soothingly.

“Hey, hey. Let’s sit down.” She herded him to his table, into a chair. She sat right next to him, one hand still rubbing up and down his upper arm, eyes wide and worried. “What happened?”

So Buck grimaced and broke, telling her about the entire week, Eddie’s unusual and worrying behavior, and the covered shift, and the missed call.

Maddie’s frown grew and grew. She bit her lip, for a moment. Her hand had stilled a while ago, but still was resting on Buck’s arm.

“Is there anyone else you can call maybe? That can check on him?”

Abuela. He could ask her.

But would she tell him, or just let him know it was private, and not share Eddie’s secrets. Buck wasn’t sure which he wanted.

“I don’t – I can’t push,” he told Maddie, looking at her and hoping she’d understand. “Eddie told me he’d ask for help if I could help him, and – I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him with that.”

“But, he called. You’re worried. I’m sure Eddie would understand if you just – checked on him.”

“I – I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Don’t you usually have dinner with them on Sundays?”

Buck glanced at Maddie sideways. He’d never specified to her that those Sundays weren’t just with Eddie and Chris, but with more of the Diaz clan, always Abuela and usually Pepa, often one or two others.

“Usually. I’m not sure Eddie will want me there though.”

“Has he said that?”

“Well. No, but-“

“Buck. You’re worried. You’ve given him time and space. He’s not answering his phone at all. I really think, if you show up for dinner and he hasn’t said for you not to, it’ll be – if not okay, he’ll at least understand.”

“I guess.”

Technically Buck’s dinner invite had come from Abuela, so….

“Okay,” he said. He didn’t exactly feel any kind of relief about the decision, but it was somewhat settling to have a course of action.

Maddie smiled, calm and reassuring. “I’m sure everything’s going to be okay.” She hung around for another hour or so, making them lunch from whatever was in Buck’s fridge. Buck knew he was bad company, but Maddie didn’t comment on it, just talked lightly about things as she made them sandwiches and sat with him.

She talked to him a bit about the recent doctor’s appointment. She and Chim hadn’t told most people yet, but Maddie had said that Buck was enough for her to talk about it with, for now. According to Maddie, she and Chim were going to announce it relatively soon to everyone else.

She hugged him extra tight before he left, giving one last reassurance that it’d all work out okay.

Buck showered. He dressed, almost changing his outfit before reminding himself it was just dinner at Abuela’s.

He left, cursed out the traffic jam he hit because everyone wanted to stare at an accident on the other side of the road, and finally arrived at Abuela’s, thankfully not too late.

There were a lot of cars parked there though, more than usual. Buck had to find a spot farther down the block, and by the time he was getting close he saw two people he thought were familiar, maybe from Pepa’s birthday. They waved at him cheerfully and they exchanged pleasantries as they went up the steps to the door.

Buck wiped his hands on his jeans. He hoped coming hadn’t been a mistake.

He knew it hadn’t been the moment Chris crashed against him, squeezing tight like he thought Buck would pull away. He knew it hadn’t been a mistake when he glanced up and saw Eddie, so tense and looking like he was barely holding on by a thread, eyes both panicked and relieved.

Yeah. Whatever was fucking going on, Buck was feeling pretty done waiting for Eddie to ask for help.


	12. BtS 12: Bittersweet Triumph (Chris POV)

At first, Chris had been excited to see his grandparents. When they’d first moved, it’d been a little weird, because he was used to seeing them all the time, and now he didn’t see them at all. It was him and Dad, and some family he sort of knew, and a lot of strangers.

But Dad looked happier. Still scared sometimes, when he thought Chris didn’t see. But not as bad as before the move.

So Chris tried to be happy too. He made some friends, but some kids at school were mean. There were mean kids in El Paso too, though, so that wasn’t different. Some teachers talked about him like he couldn’t hear them, or like he didn’t know what they were saying, and that was annoying, but he was used to that too. Some adults were dumb.

Dad never talked to Chris like that. Dad talked to Chris like he knew Chris would understand him, and he never made Chris feel silly or stupid for the things he asked and said. He’d always missed his dad, first when he was gone being a hero, and then when Mom had left and Dad had to work a lot. Chris knew he worked because Chris had to see a lot of doctors and have surgeries, and those were expensive. So Chris wasn’t mad that Dad was always working, but he missed him.

Dad thought that his new job would mean he didn’t have to work as much though. He’d explained he might still be gone for the night or during the day sometimes, but that was okay as long as Chris got him sometimes, he figured.

LA was kind of scary. There’d been an earthquake, and Chris had been the last kid picked up because his dad was saving people. Being a hero again, except this time he was close enough that Chris got to see him more.

He met Buck, who smiled and talked to Chris about all the cool things to do in LA, like the museums and aquarium and the beach. He asked Chris what he liked to do, and he replied about the things Chris said.

He made Dad laugh and smile, too, made him look happier.

Buck was awesome.

Chris hadn’t seen Abuela and Abuelo since Mom died. So at first, when he did see them, he was real excited.

He thought maybe Abuela didn’t like his book because she liked the pictures and those ones were shorter, so he’d go to sleep faster.

And he’d used to need help getting dressed, so maybe they didn’t realize yet that he could do it himself now.

Carla acted kind of strange, but they were all strangers, and Chris knew lots of people didn’t like to talk to people they didn’t know right away. His friend Annie was shy like that; she liked to wait to talk until later.

Chris knew Buck wouldn’t be like that though. Buck was good at talking to people, and real nice and friendly, and he was sure his grandparents would like him just as much as he and Dad did.

Except… Buck never came over.

Soon it was Friday, and Chris couldn’t help how excited he felt. Buck always came for Movie Nights. He usually picked the movie with Chris, and Dad made snacks. Buck would make dinner for them, too, if he and Dad got off work early enough.

Chris was so excited – but Buck still didn’t come. It was just Dad that walked in, looking real tired and sad.

Buck was supposed to help Chris when his dad was sad. But Buck wasn’t there, even when he was supposed to be.

It didn’t make sense. What had happened?

Things only got worse. Abuela was mad at Dad for some reason, and when Chris tried to tell her about how Buck was a hero, like Dad, Abuelo got mad too. They told Dad Chris couldn’t call Buck before bed, and that he couldn’t have movie night and –

Chris had tried to be nice all week when they told him what he could and couldn’t do, and didn’t listen when he tried to tell him he wasn’t little anymore and didn’t need their help. He’d tried, but now they were taking away Buck and using mean voices at Dad. Dad who was already sad, and just looked more and more sad.

When Dad said he’d make it up to him, Chris only left because he didn’t want to make him more upset. But he wasn’t in his room long, tossing all his easy books under his bed where maybe Abuela wouldn’t find them so they’d have to read the right bedtime story, when he heard loud and angry voices.

As quiet as he could, Chris snuck partway down the hall to listen.

“Buck is not a stranger!” Dad said, sounding mad. “He’s as good as family, he’s my family!”

“No, we are!” Abuela sounded even more mad than Dad. “We are your family, Edmundo, and you have no right to keep us from seeing Christopher because you don’t like what we have to say about your lack of parenting!” Chris frowned. Abuela kept going, getting meaner and meaner. “You came here chasing after that woman, and she died and you still stayed here! And who spends time with your son? Strangers!”

Chris didn’t spend time with strangers! He spent time with Carla who was super nice and never made him feel like he was weird or too different. And he spent time with Buck, and Dad, and the other firefighters, with Denny and his moms, with lots of people who were his friends. He spent time with Bisabuela, with Tia Pepa, with Mari and her husband Vic, with his cousins on birthdays and sleepovers and pool parties. Not strangers.

“We have been here since Tuesday, and you’ve worked all but one of those days! You’re still hardly around to raise your son properly, to be a father-“

“Stop it!” Dad said, his voice sounding weird, like it did when he’d been trying not to cry when he told Chris Mom had died. “Stop trying to say I’m some awful dad to Chris because I work. I have great help for when I’m not here, and I have got him in a good school – he just went to a summer camp for two weeks and-“

“Summer camp?! Anything could have happened, Eddie! First a tsunami, now camp – what’s next, leaving him home alone?! How could you be so reckless with your only son!”

Chris bit his lip so he wouldn’t start crying, but his eyes were blurry. It wasn’t even that he was sad and upset – he was suddenly so _angry_ and _confused_. He couldn’t get why Abuela was being so mean to Dad. Why she was saying he was a bad dad - cause he wasn’t! Why was she mad that Dad let him go to camp, that Buck had saved him from the water? Why was she so _mean_ to everyone?

“I am not being reckless!” Dad said, and he sounded angrier than Chris had ever heard him. “Just because I don’t baby Christopher like you do-“

“Edmundo Diaz, apologize to your mother!” Abuelo said, louder than anyone so far. It made Chris jump a little, and he held his breath and hoped they hadn’t heard him.

It was very quiet. Chris finally had to stop holding his breath, and he heard the sound of Abuela’s voice, but he didn’t know what she said. After a little bit, Dad said something, and Chris thought he heard him say good night so he turned and as quiet and fast as he could, went back to his room so his dad wouldn’t know he’d been listening.

When Chris got to his room, he quickly changed into his pajamas. As he did, he heard a door slam.

He hurried into his bed and turned so his back was to the door and no one could see his face, grabbing Lenny Lemur and holding him near his head so he could use him to hide a bit too. He waited, trying to pretend he was asleep by staying still. He closed his eyes when he heard his door open.

No one came in.

It shut again.

Chris hid his face in Lenny Lemur’s fur, so no one would know he was crying. He wished Buck was around, because Buck always made things better. He could make Daddy happy when he was sad and scared, and he made Chris feel happy and safe, and he wouldn’t let nobody talk to Dad like that. Buck was a hero, like Dad, and he always seemed to know how to make it better.

Chris didn’t sleep good that night. He heard Dad wake up from a nightmare once. He didn’t yell or anything, but Chris had woken up from his own nightmare of looking all over the whole house and his school for Buck and not finding him anywhere, and then Daddy had been gone too and Chris was trying to hide. He hadn’t wanted to go to sleep again yet, in case the dream came back, so he’d heard when Dad got up and walked in his room for a while like he did after a really bad nightmare.

Chris ended up falling back asleep before his dad stopped walking. He woke up again and it was very early, but he didn’t want to go back to sleep alone. So, he got out of his bed and went very, _very_ quietly to Dad’s room, getting in bed with him.

He’d try to get Dad to make Buck come make them pancakes. Or maybe he could sneak into Dad’s phone and call Buck on his own. He could ask Buck to come save them. That’d be nice.

He’d never known you could need to be saved from your family, but he thought maybe Dad did.

Chris didn’t think he’d ever hated a person before, but he thought that this was what it felt like. Like being so angry and hurt that you couldn’t feel anything else at all.

He decided that if Abuela and Abuelo were gonna be mean to Dad, then Chris would be mean right back. Maybe, if Chris could make them mad enough, they would just go home and not come back for a long time again.

He just hoped it worked.


	13. BtS 13: Pivotal Moment (Buck POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This BtS piece seemed appropriate to post today. ;)

Buck stared at the door for a bit after Eddie shut it. He didn’t really think Eddie was going to turn around and come back, change his mind – but he let himself imagine it, just for a moment.

Sighing, Buck turned to face the rest of his apartment.

It was quiet – more than it’d been in days. Buck wasn’t precisely unused to that, and it wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate having a quiet place to relax every once in a while. But… well, it’d been nice. Having Eddie and Chris with him all the time. Knowing when he went home at the end of a shift, it was with Eddie, and that Chris was waiting for them.

He’d known it wasn’t going to last.

But he hadn’t considered that Eddie would decide to leave before his parents actually got their asses out of Eddie’s house.

He hadn’t thought Eddie would leave Buck’s home to go stay with someone else.

That stung.

Buck went through the motions of making himself something to eat – just one serving portion, no need for more – and getting in bed – no helping put Chris to sleep. It wasn’t like he and Eddie had cuddled or slept close when he’d been there. Aside from that first night, Eddie had very pointedly stayed as far from Buck in bed as he could.

He’d been uncomfortable. Buck had thought it was awkwardness, because of what was just waiting to be acknowledged between them; maybe it’d been worse than just that. Maybe it’d been part of the reason Eddie had felt the need to go. Buck had tried to make it as easy as possible, staying on his side, not staring or talking to Eddie when he had looked painfully awkward standing on the other side.

Buck hadn’t meant to push too hard. He’d been pushing, lately, he knew that – he’d thought Eddie hadn’t minded. That he’d not minded all the little touches Buck had been slowly increasing, the flirting, the – everything lately. Eddie had never said to stop. He’d stammered, he’d given Buck uncertain looks, he’d blushed (usually just the tips of his ears, but sometimes Buck had gotten it to creep down Eddie’s neck and over his cheeks, too)… but he’d never given any indication Buck should stop.

Or maybe he had, and Buck had just… not seen it. Because he’d been pushing.

He was always pushing for more. Asking for too much.

You’d think he’d be used to pushing so far it drove people away. It’d been that way since Buck could remember, childhood friends, Maddie, his own parents, Abby. Buck wanted too much of people, and when they didn’t give it to him, he just kept trying and trying for that little bit more.

Now he’d done it with Eddie.

Like Eddie hadn’t had enough on his plate lately.

Buck wanted nothing more than to stay in bed on Friday. Like when he’d been upset about his leg, about being unable to work, before Eddie had dropped Chris into Buck’s lap and told him to take him out somewhere.

And that’d ended in disaster.

He didn’t want to worry anyone. So Buck dragged himself out of bed. He went jogging through the neighborhood. He called Maddie to see if she was free for lunch (and lucked out in that she didn’t start her shift at the call center until later that day). When she asked if he was okay, eyes concerned and picking him apart, he’d shrugged. Told her he’d had a lot going on, but he didn’t really want to talk about it.

Maddie didn’t push.

Probably why people didn’t leave her.

He was dreading Saturday. He didn’t know how he was going to face Eddie, or if Eddie would even want him to. He got there early, and he busied himself helping Bobby as soon as Bobby headed into the kitchen to make breakfast. Bobby gave him one of those looks, the ones that were considering and searching… but he didn’t press. (Another person who knew better than to push, unlike Buck.)

Bobby quietly directed Buck on what to do to help. It was – relaxing.

He took his usual seat at the table, only because he didn’t want to make things weird. Weider. He saw Chimney look at him and Eddie critically, but no one else either picked up on it or said anything.

Eddie certainly didn’t.

At least not until later.

Buck wasn’t sure what it was about, at first. He thought maybe Eddie wanted him to back off more. Or maybe Eddie was going to make it clear that Buck had it all wrong (Buck had been so sure he hadn’t; maybe he hadn’t but Eddie didn’t want it to happen after all). He frowned a bit as Eddie stumbled through his explanation. It didn’t make sense to him, and then Eddie tried to say Buck was scared of him.

Scared of Eddie. Like Eddie would ever do anything to actually hurt Buck.

“No,” he interrupted, because he was stopping that idea right where it was, before Eddie got it all twisted up in his head as some kind of truth. “I’m not scared of you, Eddie. Don’t think that.”

“You were scared I would snap at you again, bite your head off like an asshole-“ Eddie insisted, face all twisted up with guilt.

Jesus fucking Christ. Buck had always wondered just how Eddie always somehow made himself to blame for things, but after hearing just a bit of Eddie’s interactions with his parents Buck didn’t wonder as much. Still.

“You – Eddie, that’s not….” He trailed off, sighing, and tried to gather his thoughts to sound reasonable. “I was scared I would fuck things up,” he admitted. “Make it worse, or something.”

Eddie was frowning, shaking his head like Buck was the one making no sense. “It’s your home, you shouldn’t be walking around on tiptoe because I’m having a fucking minor breakdown over-“ Eddie’s voice strangled off, which was good, because the self-loathing Buck heard in it was breaking his fucking heart. The fact that Eddie had felt like he was intruding in Buck’s space didn’t help.

“I wanted you there,” he tried to explain. “I wanted you to feel… safe,” he admitted. “Comfortable.” He swallowed. “Like I do when I visit your house.”

“I do. I did.” Eddie sounded desperate. “Fuck, it’s not – I’m a mess.”

Buck fought the urge to step closer, to invade Eddie’s space. Eddie was hurting, so much, and Buck had known it the whole time, he just hadn’t figured out how to get Eddie to let him help. Eddie hadn’t even seemed to want to admit it to him.

“I’m such a mess right now, Buck, and you shouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of that.”

“Eddie,” Buck said, feeling like something was cracking his chest right open. Eddie sounded so self-loathing, so disgusted with himself, so resigned.

“I – I just –“ Eddie continued, quickly, before sighing. He dragged his hand over his hair, shoulders slumping, and Buck had to clench his hands against the urge to say fuck it and get up in Eddie’s space, yank him in for a hug. Like if Buck held on tight enough, Eddie wouldn’t keep cracking apart like this in front of him. “I know you said you’d wait. Until I was ready to talk,” he added quickly. “You shouldn’t have to wait for me like this.”

The fuck? What the actual fuck. Eddie was trying to – seriously? Eddie thought that, what, no one would want him until he was perfect? Unless he wasn’t the way he was? Like Eddie wasn’t worth every second of time Buck had, like all Buck would want to spend time with Eddie for was if he got – got a relationship of some sort out of it?

Jesus fucking Christ.

“You want me not to wait?” he challenged, eyes narrowing. “Want me to stop?”

Eddie’s eyes went wide. He looked the slightest bit surprised, and hurt, like he hadn’t expected Buck to do this.

“You want me to stop waiting, Eddie?” Buck asked again, taking a step forward. This fucking man. This fucking _idiot_. He had no clue, did he?

“I-“ Eddie stammered.

So of course the alarm went off. Buck wanted to growl, kick at something, glare. He didn’t. He had a job to do, and so did Eddie, and they wouldn’t be them if they didn’t love it and believe in doing it as much as they did. It was fine. Buck would just make sure Eddie didn’t give him the slip, when they got back.

Because they were going to fucking finish the conversation, one way or another.

Everyone went ahead – except Eddie, who lingered right where he’d stepped aside so Buck could jump out of the cab. Buck watched them all head upstairs; either they hadn’t picked up on the tension – unlikely – or they were well aware of it and purposefully giving the two of them space.

Buck appreciated the lack of an audience.

His heart was racing.

This was either going to go well, or very badly. Either way, he was probably going to ask Maddie to bring a bottle of wine over and let him release all of everything. She was probably just waiting for him to ask after lunch the other day.

He turned and stepped closer to Eddie, who wasn’t quite hunching in on himself but something close. Stiff, awkward, clearly uncomfortable – like he’d been at random moments in Buck’s apartment the past few days.

“So?” he asked. “You want me to stop waiting on you Eddie?”

Eddie swallowed. His mouth tightened. He looked pained. “I don’t – I don’t want.” Eddie stopped and closed his eyes. Buck shifted a step closer, watching Eddie’s eyes go wide when he opened them again and saw him that close.

“You deserve not to waste time on waiting for someone to get their shit together,” Eddie whispered. His voice almost broke at one point, and he sounded so… hurt. Defeated. “You deserve to be happy, not – waiting for fuck knows how long.”

This was because of Abby, Buck realized. Because Eddie was remembering how upset Buck had been when Eddie first came to the 118, and because he was remembering the train wreck, and because he was remembering Buck breaking down a bit in his kitchen that one night.

This was because Eddie thought he was going to hurt Buck like Abby had, by leaving him waiting for something that was never going to happen.

“And what if I don’t think it’s a waste of my time?” He asked, keeping his voice quiet like Eddie had. He leaned nearer, watching Eddie closely. “What if,” he murmured. He heard a rise in laughter upstairs and lowered his voice even more. “What if I’m perfectly happy right where I am?”

“You – we haven’t even talked,” Eddie tried to argue. The idiot. “You have no – what…. What if it ends up not being what you want?”

Buck hummed, searching Eddie’s face. He wasn’t sure if Eddie was talking more about him hurting Buck like Abby had, or if he was afraid Buck was going to decide Eddie wasn’t what he wanted after all – like Shannon had him. And nothing Buck said was going to convince Eddie of something once he’d gotten it into his head.

Eddie was thinking that he wasn’t going to be what Buck wanted, as if Buck wouldn’t take Eddie any way he could get him.

“Isn’t it?” he asked, watching Eddie’s eyes go a little wide, as Eddie quietly sucked in a breath.

Eddie’s lips parted, just the slightest bit.

Buck glanced up from them, but nothing in Eddie’s expression or body language made Buck think he didn’t want it. So, he took the leap.

He kissed him, trying to put it all right there for Eddie to read, trying to speak everything he felt into this one action that hopefully Eddie could trust. How important Eddie was to him. How much Buck wanted to explore what was right there waiting for them, just a step out of reach. How much he already cared for Eddie, even without that. How… how much Buck valued doing this right, with Eddie, more than he thought he ever had before.

He didn’t press too hard or drag the kiss out very long. It was practically painful to pull back, but he did it.

Eddie’s cheeks were flushed, his lips parted, his eyes heavy lidded and just a bit hazy.

“Yeah.” He watched Eddie lick his lips. “I think I’m good with waiting,” Buck said, because he wanted that to be clear. His voice came out raspy. He stepped back, so he didn’t lean in and kiss Eddie again. That wasn’t what this had been about – it had been more like… like sealing a promise, as corny as that sounded.

Fuck, he wasn’t going to stop thinking about that kiss. Imagining even more than he had before what it’d be like to kiss Eddie, only this time Buck would know how Eddie felt when he softened up and relaxed into it. How carefully Eddie kissed back, almost tentative.

Fuck.

“However long it takes. You’re worth it Eddie,” he said, hoping that Eddie’d finally believe him. “You and Chris are both more than worth it.” No matter what the outcome was, so long as Buck got to spend time with them both, keep them as part of his life… it’d be worth it.

He loved them both. Already. He could only imagine how much that would grow in depth and strength if he was allowed to love Eddie as more than a friend.

Eddie looked – dazed, honestly. Eyes wide, lips still parted, face flushed.

It made Buck feel… good. He’d done that. He’d made Eddie look like that, with just one little kiss.

He smiled, taking a few steps back, before he had to turn around and walk away. He knew the grin on his face had to look stupidly ridiculous, and he didn’t dare look to see if anyone upstairs was trying to watch for him or Eddie to come into view. He fought the urge to do something equally ridiculous, like skip.

He’d kissed Eddie. Eddie hadn’t been angry or disgusted or scared, all things Buck had worried about before. Eddie had looked – surprised. Interested.

Like he wanted to kiss Buck some more as much as Buck wanted to kiss him.

Buck slipped into a corner of the station where no one really came by and leaned back against the wall, resting his head back and letting the grin break loose again.

He’d kissed Eddie – and he was pretty sure that somewhere in his future, he’d get to do it again one day.

Worth it.


	14. BtS 14: Post Hello My Old Heart (Buck POV)

Eddie was asleep.

Buck could just make Eddie out in the dark. He was almost on his stomach, his hand still and warm on Buck’s chest. It made him reluctant to even breathe too much, in case it moved Eddie’s hand. Eddie’s breaths were deep and quiet, and his face completely relaxed, mouth a little parted.

They’d kissed for a while, before actually getting in bed, and then kissed a while more. Nothing much beyond kissing – Eddie’d twitched when Buck brushed his fingers just under Eddie’s shirt, so Buck had slipped them down to Eddie’s hips, then up his back instead. He was worried, about pushing Eddie too much. He didn’t know what Eddie was comfortable with yet or not – besides kissing, clearly. Holding hands. Cuddling on the couch, in bed.

They really needed to talk.

He’d make sure it happened. In the morning, during or after breakfast. He wasn’t sure when Chris was going to be picked up or brought home – and that was another thing Buck needed to remember to ask. Did Chris know? Did Eddie want him to know yet?

Would Chris be happy, or upset?

Buck wanted to believe Chris would be happy. It was Christopher. Sweet, optimistic, so loving and good… one of the best kids, the best _people_ , that Buck knew.

Still. This was… a change. And how would Chris feel, about Eddie moving on from Shannon, from Chris’ mom?

He tried not to worry about it. He was sure Eddie wouldn’t have done all this if he didn’t think Chris would be okay about it. Eddie loved his son so much, thought of him with every decision he made, always prioritized Chris over himself. It was a strange kind of ache for Buck to see, to be peripherally part of.

His parents hadn’t been all that involved. Hadn’t cared about him like Eddie did Chris. Buck – and Maddie, when she’d been there – they’d been after thoughts, sometimes complications or a hassle to getting something else done or having happen. At least Buck had, usually; Maddie’d been the good kid, the ideal daughter, worth bragging about and that Buck never seemed to measure up to.

As a kid, Buck hadn’t understood why his parents had had kids when they clearly didn’t really want them. Later he’d always assumed it was just because it was _expected_ for them to, but that hadn’t been until middle school really. He hadn’t understood why his friends talked about their parents being nosy and involved in their lives, had thought TV was just making up parents asking their kids about school every day and stuff.

Because that had been Maddie, usually. She’d done what she could, and looking back now Buck ached for the children they’d both been, forced to grow up fast and learning to fend for themselves and each other. He looked at how Eddie took care of Chris, how Athena and Michael and Bobby took care of May and Harry, how Hen and Karen took care of Denny and Nia. He looked at that, all these people being such loving, involved, supportive parents, and wondered….

It wasn’t worth wondering, really. Once a year, Buck sent his parents a Christmas card, and sometimes he got one too and sometimes he didn’t. He’d learned to live with and accept it.

It still hurt, sometimes, to see what he and Maddie should have had.

But it was also reassuring, kind of healing. To see that what they’d had wasn’t the norm. To be able to even just a little help Eddie take care of Chris, to make Chris feel loved and wanted and seen for who he was and could be.

Which was why, Buck reminded himself, Chris probably wasn’t going to be upset about Eddie and Buck dating. Because Eddie did make his choices with consideration for how it would affect his son and how Chris would feel, and so Eddie wouldn’t have done this otherwise.

He smiled, thinking of it. Of realizing that Eddie had planned all this. That other people had to know what he was doing, too. (Buck wasn’t a secret, like he’d thought he might have to be for a while. He wouldn’t have minded, at least so long as it wouldn’t be forever. He’d promised Eddie to wait for him. He’d promised himself he’d let Eddie set the pace. If that had meant keeping their relationship a secret for a while, Buck wouldn’t have minded.)

It hadn’t been flashy, it hadn’t been fancy, and it hadn’t been that different from what they normally did together.

Except in all the ways it had.

Because Eddie had gotten Buck’s favorite from Abuela, and he’d planned the whole thing secretly because he knew Buck would be over Friday night like always. Because Eddie’d been grinning and even a little flushed sometimes, and he’d looked at Buck like – like….

He’d looked at Buck like he was someone worth it all, or like Eddie was surprised Buck was there, or… something. Buck wasn’t sure he wanted to delve into it, just yet. Wasn’t sure he wanted to think too hard about how it made him feel, besides squirmy and warm inside.

Buck had been worrying, for a few months now, about pushing Eddie too fast, asking for too much of him, scaring Eddie off. Tonight he’d realized that Eddie, just as much, was worried about doing this right – not just for Chris or himself, but for Buck.

Eddie worried about doing right by _Buck_.

And like, Buck had kind of known that, after he’d realized Eddie was worried about making Buck wait while he figured things out still. He’d understood Eddie wanted to not hurt Buck, even inadvertently, like Abby had. But that was different. Eddie was worried about more than just hurting Buck. Eddie also worried about asking for too much too soon, or for the wrong thing; Eddie worried about being good at being in a relationship.

Maybe Buck should have expected that, more than he had. He’s not sure why he hadn’t much thought about it before. He knew that Eddie had been all kinds of torn up and worried and distressed over his relationship with Shannon, before she’d shown up, when she had, and after she’d died. Eddie had talked about it with Buck when she’d reappeared, and sometimes since she died.

Eddie didn’t want their relationship to go wrong, like his had with Shannon.

It made Buck feel… so much. Like he was going to break, but almost in a way that was from how horribly good it felt. Like… like he was already important to Eddie, like he was… cherished, already.

Buck needed to sleep. He was definitely tired, and he was sure if he could get his brain to quiet down he would fall asleep fast. But….

He traced over Eddie’s features as best he could in the dark and from memory. He thought about how Eddie’s lips had looked, dark and a bit swollen and a little wet from all the kissing. The flush just barely showing at Eddie’s cheeks, and darkening the tops of his ears. The look in Eddie’s eyes, as he’d stared at Buck between and after kisses, eyes dark and heavy and –

Eddie shifted in his sleep, murmuring noises that weren’t quite any actual words. His hand shifted on Buck’s chest, but it didn’t pull away like Buck thought. His fingers almost clenched, briefly, before his hand slipped farther around, tightening. Eddie shifted again, closer to Buck, curled against his side – almost on top of him a bit.

Buck swallowed around the tightness in his throat.

He’d wanted this. He’d wanted this for – a while, now.

He hadn’t thought he’d ever have this, at first.

But he did. He’d stayed close to Eddie even if he’d figured he was pining uselessly for things he wasn’t ever going to get, because it hadn’t mattered. He loved Eddie, and at first it had been as a best friend and then it had shifted and it had felt so natural, so easy. Like it had snuck up on him.

It had felt like just a simple fact of his world. Chris was one of the best kids out there. Buck probably would never be able to get fully rid of the anxiety that thrummed in the back of his head when he was near the ocean. Maddie was the best sister he could ever have asked for. Buck loved Eddie.

So long as Buck got to be a part of Eddie’s life, it hadn’t mattered if he loved Eddie differently than Eddie did him.

Except… that had changed.

Eddie wanted him back, and Eddie had planned one of the sweetest, most romantic dates for Buck. To show Buck that – because Buck had asked for Eddie to try to meet him halfway.

Fuck, Eddie had gone more than halfway with the night. Buck was never going to be completely over it, he was sure of that, because each time he thought of it, it made him feel almost like breaking into little pieces or crying or….

Eddie’s breath was warm where it hit Buck’s skin.

Buck tilted his head, just a bit, so their faces were closer. Carefully, he shifted a bit onto his own side, so he could slip his arm around Eddie, too, and hold him back. Eddie made kind of a sigh, and Buck shouldn’t have been surprised when his eyes fluttered open into fuzzy slits.

“Okay?” Eddie slurred, probably not even fully awake.

“Yeah,” Buck whispered, nodding a little. “Sorry.”

Eddie blinked, eyes not looking much more awake than before. “S’kay,” he slurred. He breathed deep, sighed again, blinked some more, eyes taking longer to open. His arm tightened around Buck and he pressed his mouth in a sleepy, clumsy kiss to Buck’s face, missing his cheek a bit, almost on Buck’s nose. “Sleep,” he mumbled, barely a breath of sound to it, eyes falling shut.

Buck took a slow, deep breath and let it out, carefully slow. He closed his eyes.

He wasn’t sure how any dreams he had could compare to what he was currently living. But he was warm, and held, and felt so fucking loved after the night Eddie had given him.

Sleep came easy.


End file.
